I opened my computer and the pages of the book that I declared would be completed by the end of 2019. I didn’t reach my goal. Sad face. I’m well into writing it, however, now I have no words. Passion wains.
I’ve come to a sudden STOP.
The past few months have sapped my desire to continue. Pressure comes knocking and desire retreats. I’m perplexed, just a little. I shouldn’t be.
Sometimes it feels like my record is stuck and I think of the words of the song ‘The Climb’
“I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head saying
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high”
Some days it’s not even the fight for my creative dream, it’s the fight for life, for joy. Creativity takes courage, so does pushing back when circumstances seek to immobilise us.
I wrote about this in-between in September last year. I had a feeling that something was happening, but I wasn’t sure what. I couldn’t move back or forward and I couldn’t settle. Why couldn’t I settle?
I asked myself ‘AM I JUST STUCK?’ Those words sent me on a spin.
Am I spiritually impaired – dreadfully doomed? My mind swirled as an onslaught of oppression sought to stifle me and my creative heart. At that moment, an old and trusted friend reached out to me and introduced me to Paul Scanlon and his Insta Feed – it began to bombard me with hope and encouragement, as did her wise words. My heart, if nothing else, began to settle.
Do you ever feel STUCK? That the road has just become too rough.
Something made me feel this way then and now. Was it the impending extension of our Adult Gap Year, perhaps my inability to stay motivated, or maybe thought of the ‘What Now’ we find ourselves in.
Whatever it was, is, it’s been a battle to keep moving forward to get to today. I arrived home 45 days ago and every day has been a struggle to hear, to find the right direction, momentum, find my roots. I hesitate to write those words. I don’t want to appear to be a Debbie Downer or a Sally Sadsack because I refuse to be defined by our circumstance, definitely not by defeat. I’ve been created for more than that and so have you – that is what I fight for. So I tell our story and risk judgment.
IN THE STILLNESS: GOD SPEAKS
I want to encourage you. If you’re feeling a little stuck or circumstances a weighing heavy, don’t give up. Just last week God began to speak to me specifically about ‘carrying our cross’ and just what that means. I’d rather not carry it, surely there’s an easier way? I want to run, hide, do anything but carry this damn thing (whether self-created or God-ordained, it’s heavy) but this is what we’re called to do until he provides a way out. We’re encouraged to take it up, daily, to keep walking despite the struggle.
I hear you say ‘ BUT SOMETIMES IT’S JUST TOO HARD’, I concur.
Yes, it is. Even Christ struggled under the weight of the cross he had to carry, both spiritually and literally. He fell, and just when he couldn’t go on any longer, someone came to his rescue. A man called Simon. Encouraged by the story, my heart cried out ‘Lord, please send our Simon.’ I waited.
A few days later, as I took a photo for my own Insta feed, I noticed a little angel standing on the sideboard beside the art piece I was trying to capture. Its arms were outstretched and in them had been placed a tiny wooden cross. My heart did a little leap. I knew it wasn’t meant to be in the angel’s arms, someone had picked it up and placed it there since last I saw it. My lips whispered into the silence as I heard him whisper comfort to me, “Thank you Lord, thank you that you see, I trust you.”
If you’re struggling under the weight of your cross today, take courage dear heart. It’s going to be ok. We’re in this together and perhaps your Simon or Simone (as I have called a dear friend) is around the corner.
please don’t feel afraid to share your burden here
Photo credit: Twitcher Writes